Dear Abba

 

Dear Abba,

I love you. At least I think I do. You said, “If you love me, keep my commandments”. That’s where the problem is. It’s not that I don’t want to live life your way. It’s just that I try so hard but I keep failing. My walk with you feels like one step forward and three steps back. I understand why I shouldn’t do certain things but that knowledge doesn’t keep me from desiring those things. The more I try to be like you, the more appealing the world seems. And so, when I think of all these, I doubt my love for you is as sincere as I think. 

You know how when I’m failing at something, my first thought is to give up and throw everything away? I know it is not the best approach and it is one of the things I need you to help me work on, but I started considering giving up on the whole ‘living for God’ thing and just going back fully to the things I am trying to leave behind. I’d show up for church activities to avoid the many questions that would come with being absent but my heart wasn’t in it.

Recently, I came across a line from the scripture that says, “From the foundation of the world, the Lamb was slain”. I don’t remember who said it or where I heard it, it just didn’t leave my memory. It was playing over and over in my head like a broken record and I found myself always thinking about it. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became. It was like I had an epiphany. You never meant for us to be perfect. Even before you made man, you foresaw our imperfections and made provisions for them. So, even before man fell, Jesus was already going to be a propitiation for our sins.

This line of thought made me remember when you told Apostle Paul that your grace is sufficient for him and that your power is made perfect in his weakness. This just confirmed it. Living for you is hard but it was never meant to be easy. If it was, I wouldn’t need you and I know very well that if I didn’t need you, I would never come to you. You know this better than me, so you created a system where I need your help to live, and my neediness also complements your power. That is what you meant when you said that your power is made perfect in our weakness.

This realization has been a much-needed inspiration. As hard as I try to walk with you, I’ll fall sometimes. But it’s not because I don’t sincerely love you, it’s because human nature is weak. Now I know I don’t need to give up or hide from you whenever I make mistakes. I can come back to you in repentance and ask for more grace. You’re always eager to help after all. Knowing this has not made me perfect, it has only made me more aware of your incredible foresight and never-ending love. Your word is truly amazing. So, I’ll try. I’ll read my bible and do what it says. And when I fall, I know you’ll catch me and set me right back on my feet. That’s just how gracious and loving you are. Thank you so much for this revelation because I can now say I love you without doubting myself. I love you!

 

                                                                            

The One You Love,

 Chinenyenwa