Live your dream life: Stop self sabotage

 Has something like this ever happened to you?  You make a detailed goal, highlight the goals in your journal only for you to be doing the exact opposite of the actions that will lead to the goal the next morning?

Most of the time there is a continuous feeling of helplessness and fear. You've tried to lay your hands on different things but you can't seem to get a hang on any. Self sabotage holds you back from acheiving your goals.

This same thing happened to a friend of mine Sandra. Sandra wanted a Tiwa savage body unfortunately she had a plus size she didn't like. Each time she saw pizza she forgot her goals and went for pizza. 

 In case you have a similar case to sandra's case, this article will open your eyes to what you should be paying attention on as from now to overcome self sabotage and get your dreams ticked at all time.

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What is self sabotage?

Self Sabotage is a continuous patterned  mismatch of values and realities. In situations of self sabotage, an individual has big goals but doesn't take steps to become his dreams.  He keeps hindering his own success despite his intrinsic willingness to acheive those goals and dreams.

Self sabotage is so weird you might not know you're a victim already.

How do I know I'm self sabotaging?

1.  Constant Self criticism: 

Do you find yourself saying things like 'I can't do this, I can't control this, I don't deserve this,  this is enough, or too much. You constantly undermine your efforts and your ability to do something worthwhile and great. It goes as bad as doing something so beautiful but not seeing it as beautiful. Then you're self sabotaging.

However, one good way to overcome self criticism is self reflection. Pick up your journal and ask yourself some questions like" why do I think I can't do this?, why am I feeling this way?.

Once you have written the questions take your time to answer them. Is it because you have failed in the past ? Is it because of your childhood experience?

If it's because of consistent failure, you will want to answer genuinely like "I've failed in the past but I'm aware it's not because of my inability to acheive the goals. I believe I will succeed at this  if I put in the necessary structures I need and stay accountable to my goals.

If you have had records of success before, you want to answer like this.  I have seen myself acheive XYZ before. I've been consistent at showing up for my family so I can do this too.

2. Procrastination:

  If you find yourself always procastinating,  shifting tasks forward either due to laziness, pain attached to the task or your feelings. You are self sabotaging. Procrastination doesn't serve anyone anything good. It constantly hinders you from proving your inner genius to yourself and the world.

A good way to stop procastinating a strong sense of self love and self respect. The choices we make shows how we value and respect ourselves at the end of the day. Love yourself enough to follow through your plans.

You can wake up earlier, organize your task, watch your stress levels, manage your time and energy well, break tasks into smaller junks, give your a positive self talk and so on.

3. Playing the blame game:

 Sometimes, we find it difficult to admit that we are wrong. If you find it hard to find fault in yourself but rather in everythng apart from you at all times you're playing the blame game.

For example, your partner has some  relationship behavior that influence you both. You conclude they won't change and say a final farewell to them. You feel better about the separation, since their reluctance to change held you back from pushing ahead together. Your friends agree that  you made the best choice.

In cases like this, you sabotage yourself from learning from the experiences that could have made you better.

One way to get over this is to embrace imperfections. Your life won't be perfect and that's very okay. It's okay to not always get it right at all times but we have to own up to times we messed up and accept our faults. 

When we begin to embrace ourselves and imperfections we give room to getting better and embracing non toxic environments.

5. Negative self talk : 

Here, your inner critic always sees things in the negative. Not only for yourself but even for others. With all the good going on in the world you don't see anything in it only the negatives.

You constantly say things like " there is nothing good in these things or nothing good can come out of it.

6. Not setting boundaries:

 When we don't set boundaries, we sabotage ourselves. We don't tell people how we love to be treated and what we can't accept. You might also have problem stating your needs and what you expect from people.

For example you borrowed someone your cap but you will like to use it on Saturday. You don't tell them you will like to use it on Saturday because you can't get yourself to speak up.

This is most times associated with people pleasing.

7. People pleasing: 

Are you a people pleaser? 

Here's how to know. Do you make a considerable effort and drain your energy into making a good public appearance or pleasing people with your image?

Well, you might be a people pleaser. While it's a great set of skills to be able to work with others (hello, interpersonal skills!), being too much of a people pleaser actually sets you back. It diminishes your work, undermines your authority, and—eventually—stunts your professional growth. 

Most times people pleasing comes from a high level of low self worth and esteem. 

How will they feel if I don't help them but almost all the time you did it without paying attention to yourself.

If you continually undermine yourself at the expense of others can be a sign of self sabotage.

8. Perfectionism: 

If you have an unending desire to never fail that it obstructs your desire to even try, postpone projects or self sabotage yourself from opportunities.

You can take this self sabotage quiz to know how much you are self sabotaging.

When dealing with self sabotage it is important to know why you are self sabotaging, this will help you to be able to track out  possible amendments that can be made to the situation.

Causes of self sabotage

1. Childhood trauma:

  When growing up certain things might have happened to you that hindered your expression. Things like being silenced, not being able to express yourself, not getting used to mistakes, difficult family dynamics where you  experienced abuse, abandonment, enmeshment, over-involvement, or neglect. 

2. Lack of Self Esteem: 

When our self esteem is low, we tend to allow our inner critic oppress us.

Low self-esteem can turn our lives into a series of self-fulfilling prophecies. Lack of belief in ourselves — the feeling that we are unworthy, or destined to fail — often goes hand in hand with self-sabotage, and this link can be hard to break.

 When instead we should respond to the questions our inner critic and analyze our thoughts.

3. Past experiences: 

If you find yourself savoring your dating relationships. It could be from the fear of being hurt due to what you have experienced in your past relationships. You're thinking everybody is the same as your ex partner and you're being avoidant. 

This can cause you to self sabotage yourself from a great relationship with your new partner as you are constantly putting up scenarios that don't exist.

4. Commonality:

Once more, individuals like to be predictable. We even will more often than not pick consistency over our own happiness. Assuming you're accustomed to being or feeling disregarded, abused, or taken advantage of, setting yourself in that position is oddly consoling. You've likely been there your entire life, and keeping in mind that you may not be blissful, that which you know is desirable over the unexplored world.

How to stop self sabotaging?

1. Self awareness:

  Self awareness is the ability to take a honest look at your life without attachments to it's wrong or right but from a place of self compassion.

Self awareness is self observation, seeing yourself as you really are. It can be internal or external. Internal self awareness is seeing yourself truly for who you are while external self awareness is how you are perceived by others or how you show up to the world.

There are 4 self awareness archetypes and you can check which one you belong.

Pick up a journal and answer the following questions. Who am I? How do I show up in my world? Who do people think I am?

2. Reconditioning your subconscious mind: 

Self sabotage occurs when your subconscious mind is in conflict with your concious mind. As individuals we are ruled by our subconcious mind. This is why we keep saying one thing but doing the other thing. We are all living our subconcious reality. Renewing the subconscious mind isn't a day job, it's a process that takes time. It's a life journey so you must take it easy on yourself.

There are several way to renew your subconscious mind.

3. Set realistic goals: 

John T Doran in 1981 proposed a very good tip for goal setting.

The acronym SMART.

S - Specific : Well defined goal.

M- Measurable : Ability to measure your progress on the goal

A-Actionable or acheivable : Not impossible to attain.

R - Relevant : Relevant to your life 

T- Time bound : It should be accomplished in a specific time frame.

Based on your self awareness test you want to plan your goals based on your internal self awareness. 

4. Keep a journal:

 Journaling is the act of writing down your feelings and thoughts with the aim to understand them better.

For self reflection you'll need to constantly know your thoughts and what triggers anxiety for you. It helps you gain control of your thoughts and emotions as whole.

When journaling you want to take note of not putting yourself in a box, not being judgemental about your writing.

Journaling must come from a place of self-compassion, not self-judgment.

5. Develop mind-changing habits:

Habits aren't formed overnight likewise they aren't changed overnight. A good way to develop mind changing habits is to constantly expose yourself to a growth community where ideas are shared often and the mindset of the people is positive. In my inner circle community I share books, videos, courses and seminars that can take you to the life you desire. 

Remember, it's a process and one day as long as you're consistent you will have the life you desire.