Love. I can talk about love all day. But there is an aspect of love that deserves more than butterflies, late-night conversations, cute pictures and the excitement of having someone who calls you “my love”: choosing the person you may eventually marry. Entering a romantic relationship is one of the decisions that can significantly shape your emotional, spiritual, financial and even physical life. It is therefore worth slowing down long enough to ask the right questions before allowing your emotions to make decisions that your wisdom has not yet considered. A relationship may begin with chemistry, but a healthy relationship needs much more than chemistry to survive the realities of life.
Today, relationship breakdown and divorce are realities in many societies, including among Christians, and there are often several factors behind them. Sometimes people enter relationships because of pressure from friends, family, church communities or society, while others enter because they are afraid of being alone. Some people become emotionally invested before they discover fundamental differences in their values, faith, finances, family expectations, communication styles or future goals. There are also situations where people ignore obvious warning signs because they are already emotionally attached to the person. Asking difficult questions early does not guarantee that a relationship will succeed, but refusing to ask them can leave you making one of the most important decisions of your life with incomplete information.
While the ideal thing is to become acquainted with a person before considering a serious relationship, there is still a likelihood that you have not asked some of the most important questions. You may know their favourite food, favourite artiste, preferred football club and the kind of movies they enjoy, but do you know what they believe about marriage? Do you know how they handle anger, money, conflict, sex, family pressure and disappointment? Do you know what they are building with their life and whether the direction they are going is compatible with the direction you want your own life to take? If you are considering a serious Christian relationship, these are not awkward questions to avoid; they are conversations worth having.
So, here are 25 important questions to ask before going into a relationship, especially if you are looking for a healthy relationship that could eventually lead to marriage.
1. What Does Love Mean to You?
As simple as the question sounds, it is one of the most important questions to ask before going into any relationship because “love” means different things to different people. To some people, love means constant communication, while to others it means giving someone space and trusting them. To some, love is primarily emotional affection, while others understand it through sacrifice, service, commitment and responsibility. Some people may even confuse love with sex, financial provision, attention, possession or constant validation, and those differences can create serious problems if they are never discussed.
You need to understand what the other person means when they say they love you. Do they believe love is primarily a feeling, or do they understand it as something that must also be demonstrated through choices and character? What happens when the excitement reduces, when both of you disagree, or when one person is going through a difficult season? A person may genuinely love you and still have a very different understanding of what love requires in a relationship. Knowing what love means to each other can help you discover whether your expectations are compatible.
2. What Is Your Relationship With God Like?
For a Christian, this question should come much earlier than questions about someone’s favourite colour or celebrity. If faith is important to you, you need to know whether the person you are considering shares that faith in a meaningful way. It is not enough to know that someone attends church, uses Christian language or occasionally posts Bible verses online. What does their relationship with Jesus actually look like, and how does their faith influence their decisions, values and everyday life?
Ask questions about prayer, Scripture, church involvement, spiritual growth, service and their understanding of Christian marriage. Do they genuinely want to grow spiritually, or is Christianity simply part of their social identity? Do they respect your convictions, or do they expect you to compromise them to keep the relationship comfortable? Christian relationship guidance commonly encourages people to consider whether a relationship will strengthen or hinder their relationship with God, because romantic attachment should not require someone to abandon their faith or biblical convictions.
3. What Do You Believe Marriage Is?
If you are entering a relationship with marriage as a possible goal, you need to know what the other person thinks marriage actually means. Some people see marriage primarily as companionship, others as family, others as partnership, and others as a religious covenant. Some expect traditional gender roles, while others expect a highly collaborative marriage in which responsibilities are negotiated according to circumstances and abilities. None of these conversations should be postponed until after the wedding because marriage does not magically make two people agree about what marriage is.
Ask what they believe a husband and wife owe each other. Ask how they understand commitment, fidelity, friendship, intimacy, financial responsibility, household responsibilities and spiritual leadership. Ask what they learned about marriage from their parents or guardians and what they would want to repeat or change. You may discover that you both want marriage but have completely different pictures of what married life should look like. That discovery is not necessarily a reason to end a relationship, but it is certainly a reason to have a serious conversation before proceeding.
4. What Happened in Your Previous Relationships?
This is more like asking what their past relationship was like and why those relationships ended. You should not interrogate someone about their past or demand details they are not comfortable sharing, but you should understand patterns that may affect your future together. What did they learn from previous relationships? What mistakes do they acknowledge making, and what responsibility do they take for what happened?
You should also pay attention to whether the person speaks about every former partner as though they were completely innocent and every ex was terrible. A relationship ending does not automatically mean one person was entirely right and the other entirely wrong. More important than the existence of a past relationship is whether the person has processed it honestly and grown from it. Someone’s history does not automatically disqualify them from a healthy relationship, but unresolved patterns, bitterness and dishonesty deserve serious attention.
5. What Are Your Future Goals?
How do they see themselves in the next five or ten years? What kind of career do they want? Where do they want to live? Do they want to build a business, pursue ministry, work in another country, remain close to family or travel extensively? What kind of lifestyle are they hoping to build?
These questions matter because love does not automatically eliminate differences in direction. Imagine one person dreams of becoming a missionary who travels frequently while the other wants a quiet family life in one location. Imagine one person wants to relocate permanently while the other has a strong commitment to caring for elderly parents at home. Neither person is necessarily wrong, but pretending these differences do not exist because you are in love will not make them disappear. Christian guidance on discovering purpose similarly encourages people to examine their gifts, passions, goals and the ways their lives can be used for God’s purposes.
6. What Is the Goal of This Relationship?
Does the relationship have a goal?
Are you going into a purposeless relationship simply because you like each other? If it does have a purpose, what is that purpose?
Is it friendship? Exploration? Serious courtship? Marriage?
Why go into a relationship that neither person can explain? Why allow your God-given emotions to become deeply invested in something that neither person intends to take seriously? You do not need to promise marriage to someone simply because you have started dating, but you should have some understanding of why you are entering the relationship and what direction you are open to taking it.
A relationship does not have to come with a rigid timetable, and healthy relationships develop differently, but intentionality matters. If one person is dating for marriage while the other is dating simply for entertainment, the relationship has a fundamental mismatch that should not be ignored.
7. What Is Your Genotype and Rhesus Factor?
This question may look strange, but it is especially relevant in the Nigerian context because genotype compatibility is an important consideration for couples planning children. Many people invest significant emotions, time and money into a relationship before discussing their genotype, only to discover later that they need to have difficult conversations about reproductive health and future children.
Genotype testing is a medical matter, so do not rely on assumptions, family stories or what someone thinks their genotype is. If the relationship is becoming serious and marriage is being considered, both people should obtain appropriate medical information and, where necessary, discuss the implications with a qualified healthcare professional or genetic counsellor. Rhesus factor can also be relevant in pregnancy, although its implications are different from genotype compatibility and should be discussed with a healthcare professional. The purpose of asking these questions is not to create fear but to encourage informed decisions before marriage.
8. What Are Your Views About Children?
Do you want children?
How many children would you ideally like to have?
What if you discover that having children will be difficult?
How do you feel about adoption?
What are your expectations about parenting?
These questions matter because people sometimes assume that everyone who wants marriage automatically wants the same kind of family. One person may dream of having five children while another wants two, while another may not want children at all. Even when both people want children, they may disagree about discipline, education, religion, family involvement, schooling and parenting roles. These conversations may feel premature during early dating, but they become increasingly important as a relationship moves toward marriage.
9. What Are Your Views About Money?
Money is one of the practical areas where romantic relationships eventually meet reality. You need to understand how the person thinks about spending, saving, giving, debt, investing, financial independence and lifestyle. Are they a spender or a saver? Do they have significant debts? What do they believe each spouse should contribute financially to a marriage?
You do not need someone’s bank statement on the first date, but serious relationships should eventually include honest financial conversations. Ask how they handle money when they have it and how they behave when they do not. Ask whether they believe financial decisions should be made jointly after marriage or whether each person should maintain complete financial independence. A relationship can survive many disagreements, but pretending that money will never become an issue is not a wise strategy.
10. What Are Your Addictions or Unhealthy Habits?
You should know if the person has an addiction and whether they recognise it as a problem. Addiction is not limited to drugs or alcohol; it can involve pornography, gambling, compulsive sexual behaviour, social media, gaming, shopping, internet use, work, validation or other behaviours. The important question is not simply whether the person has ever struggled with something, but whether they are honest about it and willing to seek help where necessary.
You also need to be honest about yourself. Do not ask someone questions about addiction as though you have no weaknesses of your own. The goal is not to find a perfect person because no such person exists. The goal is to determine whether both of you can be truthful about weaknesses, take responsibility and pursue healthy growth rather than hiding destructive patterns until after marriage.
11. How Many People Is Too Many to Date?
You should understand the person’s views about exclusivity. Some people assume that once two people have expressed romantic interest, they are automatically exclusive, while others believe it is acceptable to date multiple people until a specific commitment is made. These differences can create serious misunderstandings.
You might be surprised that some people feel there is nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time. You might just be number five. The important thing is to establish what the relationship actually means and whether both people understand the same boundaries. Ambiguity may feel convenient at the beginning, but clarity becomes increasingly important as emotional and physical intimacy develops.
12. What Is Cheating to You?
One of the very things that causes havoc in relationships is the subject of cheating, but people do not always define it in exactly the same way. For one person, cheating may mean sexual intercourse, while another person may consider emotional intimacy with someone else a serious betrayal. Some couples may disagree about flirting, private conversations, dating apps, pornography, secret friendships or interactions with former partners.
You need to know the boundaries before the boundaries are tested. What does faithfulness look like to you? What behaviour would make you uncomfortable if your partner did it with another person? How should friendships with people of the opposite sex be handled? What boundaries should exist online? These conversations may feel uncomfortable, but avoiding them does not remove the possibility of conflict; it only guarantees that the conflict will happen without previously agreed expectations.
13. How Do You Handle Anger?
How often do you get angry, and how do you handle anger?
Here you want to know what makes the person angry and how they behave when they are angry. Do they shout? Do they insult people? Do they become silent for days? Do they threaten to leave? Do they break things? Do they become physically aggressive? Or can they communicate their frustration without deliberately humiliating the other person?
A person’s behaviour when angry can reveal things that their behaviour during happy moments cannot. Everybody gets angry, including Christians, but anger itself is not the only issue; how someone responds to anger matters greatly. A healthy relationship needs people who can disagree without turning disagreement into emotional abuse, intimidation, manipulation or violence. If someone has a pattern of threatening, controlling or physically harming others, do not assume that love will automatically change them.
14. How Do You Handle Conflict?
Every relationship will experience conflict. The question is not whether you will disagree but what the two of you will do when you disagree. Do you talk about problems immediately, take some time to calm down and return to the conversation, or avoid difficult conversations completely?
Ask what they learned about conflict from their family. Did their parents shout, withdraw, forgive quickly, or pretend problems did not exist? What do they believe an apology should look like? Can they admit when they are wrong? Can they listen without preparing their next defence? A healthy relationship does not require two people who never disagree; it requires two people who can disagree without destroying each other.
15. What Are People’s Complaints About You?
This is probably something the person does not even take into consideration.
If several trustworthy people have independently raised the same concern about someone’s character, it is worth paying attention to it. Maybe the person struggles with lateness, pride, poor communication, anger, selfishness, financial irresponsibility or difficulty keeping promises. Of course, not every criticism is accurate, and you should not judge someone simply because another person dislikes them, but repeated patterns deserve honest examination.
You should ask yourself the same question. What are people’s complaints about you? A mature person does not need to believe every criticism they receive, but they should be willing to examine themselves. Christian spiritual growth requires this kind of honesty because growth becomes difficult when we are determined to believe that every problem is always somebody else’s fault.
16. What Are Your Boundaries?
Healthy relationships need boundaries.
What are your boundaries around physical affection? What are your boundaries with friends, former partners, social media, finances and private conversations? How much personal space do you need? What behaviour would you consider disrespectful? What would you never tolerate in a relationship?
Boundaries are not walls designed to punish people. They are a way of communicating what you are responsible for, what you are comfortable with and what you expect from people who are close to you. You should also be prepared to respect the other person’s boundaries. A relationship becomes unhealthy when one person constantly violates boundaries and the other person is expected to accept it in the name of love.
17. What Role Will Our Families Play in Our Relationship?
You are not simply marrying an individual; depending on your circumstances, marriage may also involve navigating relationships with parents, siblings, extended family and other significant people. This is particularly important in cultures where family relationships play a major role in marriage decisions and household life. What expectations do your parents have about your future spouse? How involved should parents be in your marriage? What happens when your spouse and your family disagree?
Ask about family traditions, expectations, financial responsibilities and caregiving. Find out whether the person expects to live with parents after marriage or provide significant financial support to family members. These conversations can become extremely important later, especially when children, relocation, illness or financial pressure enters the picture. Love should not prevent two people from discussing the practical realities that come with joining their lives.
18. What Are Your Views About Sex and Physical Intimacy?
For Christians, this conversation needs to happen honestly and without shame.
What does sexual purity mean to you? What physical boundaries do you want to maintain before marriage? How do you understand sex within Christian marriage? What are your expectations about intimacy, affection and sexual communication after marriage?
Do not assume that being Christian means both people automatically have identical convictions or levels of understanding. Discuss your expectations respectfully and establish boundaries before emotions become overwhelming. If either person has a history of sexual trauma, addiction or other serious concerns, those matters may require compassionate and appropriate professional support rather than secrecy or shame.
19. What Do You Believe About Gender Roles in Marriage?
This is one conversation many couples postpone until after the wedding, and that can be a mistake. What does the person believe a husband should do? What does the person believe a wife should do? How should decisions be made? Who manages the home? Who works? What happens if one person’s career becomes more demanding? How should childcare and household responsibilities be divided?
Christians may sincerely hold different interpretations of some passages concerning marriage and gender roles, so the goal is not to force one answer into every relationship. The goal is to know what the person actually believes and whether you can build a marriage around a mutually understood framework. Do not assume that you will “change their mind later.” Enter serious relationships based on reality rather than potential.
20. How Do You Respond to Correction?
Nobody gets everything right.
A healthy partner should be capable of receiving correction without treating every disagreement as an attack. Ask yourself whether this person can admit when they are wrong, apologise sincerely and make meaningful changes. You should also ask whether you can do the same.
Pride can quietly destroy relationships because it makes growth difficult. If someone must always win every argument, always be right and always have the final word, conflict will eventually become exhausting. A person who can say, “I was wrong,” “I am sorry,” or “I need help” demonstrates something valuable: the ability to choose growth over ego.
21. What Do You Do When You Are Under Pressure?
You may learn more about someone’s character from a difficult season than from a romantic date. What happens when the person loses a job, fails an examination, experiences financial difficulty, faces family problems or encounters disappointment? Do they become abusive, withdraw completely, blame everybody else or seek healthy support?
Pressure does not create every character problem, but it can reveal patterns that are easier to hide during comfortable seasons. You should therefore pay attention to how the person responds when life does not go according to plan. Can they communicate? Can they ask for help? Can they remain responsible? Can they continue treating people with dignity when they are frustrated?
22. Who Are the People Closest to You?
You should know something about the community around the person you are considering. Who are their closest friends? What values do those friends hold? What kind of conversations happen within their friendship circle? How do they speak about women, men, marriage, sex, money, church and other people?
This does not mean that a person’s friends completely determine their character, but relationships can influence behaviour and values significantly. You should also consider whether the person has healthy friendships outside the romantic relationship. A relationship should not require both people to abandon every friend and become completely dependent on each other for emotional support.
23. What Are Your Views About Church and Christian Community?
If Christianity is central to your relationship, you should discuss where and how you intend to practise your faith. Does the person belong to a church? How important is church community to them? What kind of ministry are they involved in? How do they respond to spiritual authority and accountability?
This becomes particularly important if one person is deeply committed to a particular denomination, ministry or theological tradition while the other person has very different convictions. Church attendance alone does not make someone spiritually mature, but a person’s relationship with Christian community can reveal important aspects of their faith. You should understand what kind of spiritual life you are potentially building together rather than discovering fundamental differences after marriage.
24. What Are You Unwilling to Compromise?
Everybody has values that matter deeply to them.
What are yours?
What are theirs?
Perhaps it is faith. Perhaps it is honesty, family, career, location, children, financial responsibility, church involvement or personal freedom. You need to know the convictions that the other person considers foundational because serious conflict often happens when one person expects the other to compromise something they consider non-negotiable.
A healthy relationship requires compromise, but compromise is not the same as abandoning your deepest convictions. You should be able to identify the difference between preferences and principles. Pizza toppings can be negotiated; fundamental convictions require much more serious discussion.
25. Are We Actually Compatible?
After all the questions, this may be the most important one.
Do we genuinely work well together?
Do our faith, values, personalities, goals, communication styles and expectations allow us to build a healthy relationship? Are we able to disagree respectfully? Do we bring out healthy qualities in each other? Does this relationship make it easier or harder for each person to become the person God is calling them to become?
Compatibility does not mean that two people must be identical. You will have differences, and those differences can even strengthen a relationship when handled well. But there is a difference between healthy differences and fundamental incompatibility. Do not allow chemistry to convince you that compatibility does not matter.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Entering a Relationship
While you are busy asking questions about the other person, do not forget to ask questions about yourself. It is easy to create a checklist for a future partner while ignoring your own emotional, spiritual and relational readiness. Before asking whether someone else is suitable for you, ask whether you are becoming the kind of person who can participate in a healthy relationship. Christian spiritual reflection commonly encourages believers to examine their prayer life, spiritual growth, relationships, use of time, stewardship and areas where they need to grow.
Ask yourself: Am I emotionally ready for a serious relationship? Am I genuinely interested in this person, or am I simply afraid of being alone? Am I looking for a spouse or trying to use another person to fix my insecurity? Am I financially and practically responsible enough to pursue the kind of relationship I say I want? Am I willing to communicate honestly, apologise, forgive and grow? Am I putting God first, or am I hoping a relationship will give me the identity, validation or happiness that I have not found in Him? These questions matter because you cannot build a healthy relationship simply by finding the right person; you must also become a healthy participant in the relationship.
How to Ask These Questions Without Turning the Relationship Into an Interview
It is not like you are going to bombard the person with a list of twenty-five questions on your first date. You do not need to sit across from someone with a notebook and say, “Question number one: What is love to you?” because that could make even the most emotionally available person start looking for the nearest exit. The purpose of this list is not to turn dating into an examination but to help you recognise conversations that matter. Some questions should emerge naturally while you are discussing family, faith, work, friendships, money, future plans and everyday experiences.
The important thing is to actually have the conversations rather than merely thinking about having them. Ask follow-up questions when something surprises you, and do not only listen to the answers you want to hear. Pay attention to consistency between what someone says and how they behave because character is demonstrated over time. Also give the other person room to ask you the same questions because healthy discernment is mutual. You are not investigating someone so you can judge them; you are learning whether the two of you can responsibly build a future together.
What Should You Look For Beyond the Answers?
Answers matter, but behaviour matters too.
Someone can give you the perfect answer to every relationship question and still behave completely differently when the opportunity comes. A person may tell you that they value communication but refuse to discuss difficult issues, say they respect boundaries but repeatedly violate yours, or claim that faith is important while consistently expecting you to compromise your convictions. This is why healthy relationships require time, observation and wisdom rather than simply collecting impressive answers.
Look at patterns.
How does this person treat people who cannot benefit them? How do they speak to service workers, family members, friends and strangers? How do they respond when they are told no? How do they behave when they are disappointed? How do they treat people they disagree with? How do they behave when nobody is watching? These questions may tell you more about someone’s character than a beautifully worded response ever could.
Final Thoughts
The goal of asking these questions is not to find a perfect human being because there is no such person. You are also not looking for someone who has never made a mistake, experienced failure or struggled with anything. You are looking for honesty, maturity, self-awareness, faith, responsibility and a willingness to grow. A person who can acknowledge weakness and seek help may ultimately be healthier to build with than someone who presents themselves as flawless.
A relationship should not be entered simply because someone is attractive, because you feel lonely, because everybody around you is dating, because your family is pressuring you or because you are afraid you will never find someone else. Feelings are important, but feelings alone cannot carry the weight of a lifelong commitment. Take time to know the person, understand their values, observe their character, discuss your future and pray for wisdom. Scripture itself encourages believers to seek wisdom, and wisdom is especially valuable when making decisions that can affect the direction of your life.
So, before you say “I love you,” make sure you are also willing to say, “I want to know you honestly.”
Before you say “I want to marry you,” make sure you have taken the time to ask, “Can we actually build a life together?”
And before you become so emotionally attached that every warning sign looks like an inconvenience, give yourself permission to ask the questions that matter.
Love is beautiful, but Love requires wisdom. So, if you are serious about building a relationship that honours God and can survive the realities of life, some conversations are simply too important to avoid.
Frequently Asked Questions About Questions to Ask Before a Relationship
Here are
- What questions should I ask before entering a relationship? - Important questions include what the person believes about love, faith, marriage, family, children, money, sex, communication, conflict, boundaries, career, future goals and personal growth. You should also discuss the purpose of the relationship and whether both people are looking toward the same kind of commitment. The goal is not to interrogate someone but to understand whether your values and expectations are compatible.
- What questions should Christians ask before dating? - Christians should discuss their relationship with God, church involvement, biblical convictions, spiritual growth, sexual boundaries, marriage, family, purpose and how they expect faith to influence their future home. It is also important to discuss practical issues such as finances, communication, conflict and children because Christian faith does not eliminate the everyday responsibilities of marriage.
- How do I know if someone is ready for a serious relationship? - Look beyond what the person says and examine their character and behaviour over time. Emotional maturity, accountability, healthy communication, responsibility, willingness to receive correction and the ability to maintain appropriate boundaries are important indicators. A person does not have to be perfect to be ready for a relationship, but they should be willing to grow and take responsibility for themselves.
- Should I ask about my partner’s past relationships? - Yes, especially as the relationship becomes serious, although the conversation should be respectful rather than invasive. Understanding previous relationships can help you identify patterns, lessons learned and unresolved issues. You should focus more on what the person has learned and how they have grown than on collecting unnecessary intimate details about their former partners.
- Should Christians discuss finances before marriage? - Yes. Couples considering marriage should eventually discuss income, spending, saving, debt, giving, financial goals and expectations about financial responsibilities. Avoiding money conversations before marriage can create serious misunderstandings later.
- Should couples discuss genotype before marriage in Nigeria? Yes. Genotype compatibility is a relevant health consideration for couples planning children, particularly in relation to sickle-cell disease. Both people should obtain reliable medical testing rather than relying on assumptions and should seek qualified medical advice when interpreting the results. Rhesus factor may also be relevant to pregnancy and should be discussed with an appropriate healthcare professional.
- Is it wrong to ask someone about their sexual history? - A respectful conversation about sexual history, sexual health and boundaries can be appropriate when a relationship is becoming serious. However, the conversation should not become an attempt to shame, humiliate or interrogate the other person. Christians should approach sensitive subjects with honesty, grace, wisdom and respect.
- How many questions should I ask before dating someone? - There is no magic number. The purpose is not to complete a checklist but to have enough meaningful conversations to understand the person’s faith, character, values, goals and expectations. The 25 questions in this article are a framework for conversations rather than a test that someone must pass.
- What if we disagree on some of these questions? - Not every disagreement means that a relationship must end. Some differences are preferences that can be negotiated, while others involve fundamental convictions that may make marriage difficult. The important thing is to identify which differences are significant, discuss them honestly and avoid assuming that love will automatically change the other person’s convictions.
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