Illusion

Without thinking or even considering what anyone would say if we were met in that position, the youth president gathered me in his arms. My tears fell ungraciously down my face and I held him soaking his shirt with my tears even though it was already soaked with his.

Why was he crying? Why did he had to meet me in this state? Why was he holding on to me?

Everything about me was crumbling right before my eyes and I couldn't do a thing. It was quite funny that while the rest of the world was bubbling with activities and laughter, my soul was bubbling in severe pain.

Pain of seperation from the man I loved, or let me say the man I thought I loved who loved me even before I could open my eyes as a baby.

Pain of knowing I had disappointed this lover of mine and the chances of making everything straight with him was equal to zero. Pain of sinking into a hole so deep that I knew I wouldn't recover from. Pain of not being able to bear the expression on my parents' faces should they hear what their beloved daughter had done.

Pain of my knees being too weak to stand on the pulpit to take the microphone to raise incense to the heavens. I had ran from God, ran from my parents and also ran from the youth president but it was like he wore the strong skin of stubbornness the day he was born.

The embrace made me remember the first day I had embraced my fiance and had suddenly felt his bulge. I didn't mean to but when he hugged me and lingered, I knew something was off. It was then I felt his bulge even though he was embarrassed enough.

I should have stayed back. No, the embrace wasn't a sin. The embrace wasn't the problem. The fact that I allowed it to linger was the problem. The fact that I allowed the thought of it in my mind was the foundation of the problem.

My loud cries turned to whimpering and when he sensed that I was almost done with my waterfall exercise, he let go.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I messed up. I..... I'm lost. Help me. I'm lost. I have lost my way. I have messed up everything. I didn't mean to lie to you. I was just scared. I didn't mean to lie to you."

"It's okay. Calm down. I understand you. I would have been scared too if I were you. I really understand you. There is still a way out. We can still salvage this."

"How??? By going to announce to the church that their choir mistress had fallen right into the trap of something she had always preached about?? By announcing to them that my supposed fiance who got me pregnant refused to take responsibility but instead told me it is my mess?

By telling them their choir mistress is contemplating abortion to cover up?? How?? How, brother Tosin. Look at me. I am battered already. I am broken. I am a mess. A complete mess. How do we salvage this? Or is it by telling my parents that.. Oh my God, I am done for" 

"Christ still loves you."

"Please, don't. Don't. I can't even call Him let alone behold His face to ask for forgiveness."

"That is guilt playing on your mind. Listen, the mistake has happened. The next thing is to own up to your actions and go to God to...."

"I CAN'T!..... I CAN'T!....Even God is shaking His head on my behalf. He can't see me now. I can't."

"Let Him help you. You can't carry this alone. Let Him bear you. Let Him carry you."

"If God deems it fit to forgive me when I get to heaven, so be it. But going to Him right now is out of it. I can't go to Him right now. I am filthy."

"Let Him cloth you with something clean. Let Him clean you up."

"With what?? With the blood of the foetus I will kill?"

"His blood is enough. It pays all. It's more rewarding than any other blood. Allow Him to help you. Allow Him to clean you up."

I burst into another rounds of tears. He pulled me to himself again and allowed me to drown to my satisfaction. It wasn't long before I started sniffing.

"Can you lead me to Him again??"

He got my hands and made a simple prayer. He drove me back home and promised to call the next day. 


Allow Him to bear you.


Excerpt from "ILLUSION".

2024.

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