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 I was finally getting dressed for a dinner that ought to happen a long time ago but couldn't because i kept postponing the event. It was meant to be a gentle and heart glowing dinner by the candlelight, my very dear favorite but for the nth time, i kept making excuses. It wasn't work that made me draw back. It wasn't even family. It was nothing but fear and shame.

Have you ever felt ashamed because of a condition about yourself that you can't seem to change? Have you ever been in those shoes? If you have been, perhaps you wouldn't point hands at me.

My long hair waved at my back with every flick of my hand. A few touch

es to my face and i felt it was enough to even meet the president.

Like i expected, it was a candlelight dinner but there was more. This time, there was a song playing somewhere around solemnly. I caught the lyrics and it sent shivers down my back, making my hairs to stand not in fear but in contentment. I was satisfied. I was pleased. We started eating and every minute, i glanced at my leg. That was the main object of my shame. That was the main reason i kept postponing the event. Blood was oozing from it slowly which i knew before long would have the floor covered in it. Such was the magnitude of the injury.

"You're not eating and you don't look too relaxed. You keep looking at your leg. Is everything okay?" 

So, he noticed!!. My face became red from embarrassment and i couldn't put my words together.

"I..... I... It's just."

"You can talk to me, you know. Without fear or shame or hesitation."

"Well, it's my leg. It's embarrassing."

"Is that so? Tell me how you got the injury."

I didn't like the way the conversation was going. It meant i would end up digging up some things, things i didn't want to talk about with anyone.

"Well, I....... hmm. I fell. I fell and..... bruised my leg."

"And have you been to the doctor to treat it for you?" 

Even though he wasn't forcing me to talk, even though he wasn't harsh with me, I could feel his eyes burning and for the first time that night, my head was bowed. I bit my lower lip too much that i could taste my blood. My feet became numb so even if i had wanted to run away, i couldn't.

I felt helpless, ashamed and weak.

My eyes became misty but i tried so hard to stop the rivers from breaking forth because of my make up. But i failed. I failed to stop the tears because they fell, they descended in a not-so-graceful way down the floor of my face.

"It's okay to cry, you're my baby. You know, it's pride when you're sick and you push a doctor away not to attend to you. It's absolute pride that makes you think you can handle it yourself even when you know you can't handle it. Do you know why i made you like this, in a human form? It's a way to tell you how fallible you are and that you're always to return to me even on days you don't want to because you mess up.

Do you recall the number of times you keep postponing this event? Do you know the number of times you keep postponing the day you will return to me? I waited for you and I'm still waiting. 

You feel helpless, ashamed and weak because first, you fell and second, you got injury from the fall. No matter how ashamed you feel for falling below my standard, aren't you supposed to return to me to pick you from the fall and treat your injury?

Can you do this on your own? Answer me, beloved, can you do this on your own?"

I shook my head. I kept sobbing.

"Do you think I'm going to chase you away if you come to me, beloved?"

I shook my head again in negativity. 

"Then, why do you keep running away from me? Why do you postponing when we're going to meet? Why did it take you too long to make up your mind to come see me? Why?" 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was ashamed. I was scared. I..... I can't even find the boldness to look you in the face. I'm...... I'm really sorry."

He smiled. Even though my head was still down, I knew he smiled. I knew he was pleased with my vulnerability with him. 

"So, what do you say to this relationship?" 

I saw his hand stretched to me. I could see the part where the nails had hit him and yes, the blood is still fresh. I looked up at him and i could see his smile. Beautiful. Assuring. Calm.

"You will always be safe with me. What do you say to this relationship?"

"Yes, I do. I'm returning back to you, Father. I'm returning back to you, Lord. I'm home." And i put my hand in His hand knowing well that I was truly home.

N.B: never get to the point where you feel so ashamed, weak and helpless to approach God. Never get to that point. It's okay to cry. You're His baby. Return Home.. Always find your way Home to your Father.

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