Broken but not Shattered by Adeniyi Ayodele

 

 

 Topic:Broken not Shattered
Entrant: Adeniyi Ayodele
Woke up enveloped in an embrace, felt the warm breath upon my back and tears welled up, I became emotional as I quickly thought back and reflected upon my life, never would I have thought that I would experience such a beautiful moment with a person who loved me this much! Just some months back, I was at still at the lowest point of my life and now it feels like each day brings a memory better than the last. I still remember the words he said when he proposed to me despite my not being worthy of him.
I stood up from beside him careful not to disturb his sleep and gently walked out closing the door behind me. I watched from the balcony how the house staffs went about their business, someone somewhere was playing a song and the wordings of the song took me down memory lane
What have I done to deserve love like this?
What have I done to deserve love like this?
I cannot earn what you so freely give……..
My name is Hadassah David, Hadassah the name given to me by my Husband, growing up I was neglected and lacked all the affections that a person should have, my father hated me, he always claimed that I killed the love of his life, my mother and that looking at me reminded him so much of the love he was never going to experience again. His dislike of me was so evident that whenever he was around he asked me not to come close to wherever he was and even stopped me from calling him dad, father, papa or any other word that children call their biological parent, address me as “Mr. David”, he screamed at me one day when I mistakenly called him father at age 4.
The dislike went on I learned to live without his affection and the affection he couldn’t give me I sought it elsewhere. I was bullied a lot because I lacked the common necessities needed for a child, other parents pitied me but couldn’t do anything for fear of my Dad and causing more problems for me. He would beat me till he was tired for the smallest of things. On this particular day he beat me till I passed out because I called him Father outside when he was returning from work. The neighbours were the ones who rushed me to the hospital when he left me passed out. They called my Maternal Grandfather from the hospital that day to take care of me, Baba Titi, I could say he was the only one who loved me genuinely. Baba took care of me and nurtured me back to health on the day I was to be discharged Mr. David that is the name I learnt to call him because no father should treat a child the way he treats me, was at the entrance waiting to stop Baba Titi from taking me away, he claimed Baba had no right to take me away, Baba argued with him but lost the argument, they reached a compromise that Mr. David should enroll me in school because at age 5 I still hadn’t started school. I was enrolled in a boarding school, everyone claimed I was too young to go to a boarding school, that my father wanted to ship me away, I was just glad I could escape Mr. David. I resumed school and all through my Primary Education Mr. David never came for any visiting day anything I needed for school was communicated to Baba Titi who brought everything, although he got them all from Mr. David.
I got into Secondary school and the treatment was worst, Baba Titi couldn’t come as often as he did anymore due to his old age. I was bullied at school because I was timid and a teacher took interest in me and started monitoring me, Mrs. Akingbade was the next best thing that came into my life and we grew close, I told her about my childhood and she told me all about her looking for the fruit of the womb and asked if she could partially adopt me. I was thrilled and ecstatic that I had a semblance of what a real family looked like, she treated me like her daughter in school. The Midterm break was fast approaching and with that came with the dread of going back home to meet Mr. David, Mrs. Akingbade told me everything was going to be okay. The Midterm came and parents came to pick their kids for the break, I saw kids running into open arms to be enveloped into a hug, I saw genuine happiness on the faces of the parents to be reunited with their kids, I saw kids so happy to leave school and go home to a lovely meal and far away from the school environment and there I was waiting without any emotions and a deep feeling of anguish like a person awaiting the agent of death to come and take him away. Soon, it was evening and Mr. David was nowhere to be found, I sat quietly in my class looking around as I was the only one still left when Mrs. Ak ingbade passed by and asked why I was still in school by that time, she asked if my dad was aware that we were going on a vacation and I told her Baba Titi said he told him and that my dad was the one that was going to pick me because of his failing health, pissed Mrs. Akingbade picked her phone to call Mr. David but his number wasn’t available, she sat with me for a while and when it was 9:00pm it was obvious that I wasn’t going to be picked that day she took me home. Mrs. Akingbade’s home was lovely and her husband was quite kind, it brought tears to my eyes the way he treated me as it reminded me what I couldn’t have with Mr. David. A week went by so quick and there was no calls from Mr. David and he wasn’t taking his calls. We resumed back to school and Baba Titi was waiting for me on the day of resumption, he hugged me and told me how Mrs. Akingbade had called him to tell him that I would be staying with them for the break and how she insisted that I wasn’t a bother to her and she would take care of me even when he insisted on coming to take me home. He told me a Family meeting had been called to rebuke Mr. David for forgetting me in school and how his excuse was that it was my mother’s remembrance that week and having me at home will be such a great reminder of his pains, he promised he wouldn’t abandon me in school anymore.
The long holidays came and the driver was sent to pick me, the relationship with Mr. David was nonexistent, each person went about doing their business without disturbing the other, I found all avenues to avoid Mr. David. The affections I lacked from my Father was evident because a little affection outside was what it took for me to be taken advantage of and I learnt the hard way, on this particular day I was going about doing my daily chores when our Neighbour’s brother, Uncle Tim a 27 year old who had just come back for the Holidays from the University called me into their house to come and help him run an errand, he gave me money to buy some drugs for him by the time I returned he wasn’t anywhere to be found, I called his name from the entrance of the living room and there was no response, just when I turned to head out I was grabbed from behind, the next thing I know my clothes were being torn from my body, I ended up being raped and to top things up I was threatened not to speak up, even if I did speak up who would believe me? A father that was non existent or the sister of the person that raped me, filled my thoughts. The molestations went on and on until school resumed. Uncle Tim would wait until immediately everyone was out to come and have sex with me and when I tried locking the doors, he threatened me with releasing my naked pictures or videos to the public, he claimed to have gotten it on one of the days he had raped me after drugging me.  
Years after, there was no relationship with my father anymore, I had finished my university education with a lot of fun, I managed to barely pass and that was not due to any level of brilliance on my path, every lecturer that taught me slept with me in exchange for grades and the ones that didn’t, I knew how to go behind their backs and get in touch with the people in charge of uploading the result. At that point you could say the prior years had taken its toll on my orientation and you could call me what most will say “rotten”. I had no respect for men, I was disappointed by my father, raped by a man, taken advantage of by various men and I didn’t believe in love. I went for older men, nothing the younger ones could offer me. My flamboyant lifestyle was financed by Chief Babakintan, a politician representing his constituency at the Federal level, who placed me amongst the top executives in his company, not a job I was qualified for but I guess you can say I made up for the qualifications needed by satisfying his every need when he calls and it was on one of this escapades after he was marveled at how I satisfied him that he asked me to name whatever it was that I wanted. I was never afraid of anything, not even the thought of Mrs. Babakintan scared me, I went on to ask for an executive position with double the salary for that position which he graciously approved. I could have asked for an apartment but being a private person I didn’t want the politician to know where he could call at me even when I didn’t need company. The salary I was getting was enough to get my own place and still live my lavish life and that’s excluding the gifts I was getting from the politician and other men who wanted my services.
On this faithful day Chief Babakintan called me over and I had given him an excuse why I couldn’t come, I couldn’t tell him that I was growing tired of him, who would I meet that would be able to replace his impact. On this day I went to the club to relax with some acquaintances and I had a little too much to drink and wasn’t feeling too well, so I decided to head home early but not without some company, I told myself that I would pick a boy on the way and give him some money after I was done with him. I stepped out of the club preparing to hail a taxi home seeing as I could not drive, I felt a piercing glare on me and looked around and couldn’t determine where the glare was coming from, I shrugged it off and before I knew it a car parked beside me and some hooded men where trying to pull me in, i was able to break free and I ran to a crowded place with the men still on my trail, I ran to the road and was almost hit by the coming vehicle, he stopped just in time, I asked for his help telling him my life was in danger pointing to the men chasing me, he asked me to get in but not without me sensing a slight reluctance. I let it slide for now and got in. I was angry that he was reluctant about helping me, thinking who was he not to help me, he should have been grateful that I stopped his car, that I’m sited in his car. He told me I was going to get him late and that was all it took for me to let loose, I told him all that I had been thinking since I entered the car and that he should have been begging to help only if he knew who I was and how many men would have been begging to help me, he just continued driving ignoring me totally. I was so pissed that I didn’t even hear him asking where he should take me.
After my outburst, the rest of the drive was silent and I was lost in my thoughts and anger till I noticed the car and stopped somewhere at the parking lot of an hotel, I was enraged and lashed out at him, asking if he wanted that I repaid him for helping me with sex, well that’s all you lot want, he just looked at me perplexed and explained that he asked me countless times where I was going and I repeatedly ignored him and that he has a meeting at this hotel that he can’t miss. I still did not believe him and was thinking in my mind that he wants a reward for saving my life, we got to the reception and he booked two rooms beside each other, he turned and gave me the keycard to one and went on into his room to prepare for his meeting. After a while I heard his room door open and close, he was probably off to his meeting, I waited a few minutes and went down to the reception, I told them I locked my keycard in my room and needed help getting in.
Remembering this particular memory a smiled showed on my face and I was reminded of how foolish I acted, but in my defense I didn’t want to be in his gratitude and wanted to payback in a way that most men wanted. I entered the room and quickly took off my clothes, I lay in bed awaiting his return. It was probably some hours later that I heard him entering, he was enraged and ordered me out of his room, that who did I think he was and what was I doing in his room, I didn’t want to be in your debt and I wanted to pay you back and what other way to pay you back than this I retorted. He said he wasn’t interested in me repaying him back and I should get out, I told him he was lying and that I saw the way he was staring at me. He told me to get out again and I picked me clothes and stormed out of the room angry, angrier that he had rejected me than his shouting at me, no man had rejected my body before.
Later that day, I heard a knock on the door, he was if I would like anything to eat before we headed back to the city. I didn’t want to reply but I really was hungry and I had no means of paying for my meal as I had dropped everything at the attempt to kidnap me, I walked out of my room, this time fully dressed and we headed to the hotel’s restaurant. The meal went better than expected, he apologized to me for shouting at me earlier, that he was shocked to find me in his room naked and it was an insult to his personality for me to expect that he was that kind of guy to accept sex as a repayment for an assistance he rendered. We got talking and he introduced himself to me as Temiloluwa Bakare, the name rang a bell but I couldn’t place where I had heard it before. He told me he was a Christian and a devout one at that and that was what made my earlier action more annonying. I apologized to him and he said it was fine, we finished eating and checked out of the hotel. The drive home was exciting, he spoke about the kind of work that he was into and asked about mine, then he asked about my childhood and with a sad face I told him I didn’t want to talk about it because it was a traumatizing one, he changed the topic by talking about his own childhood and I envied him, he grew up in a proper family setting and experienced love growing up.
He dropped me off at my place and I asked for his number under the guise that I wanted to take him to lunch to appreciate him, he gave me with the request that I promise to grant him on request whenever he asks, I agreed. I called him later in the evening asking him if he had gotten home, we spoke for a long time. We started talking almost everyday and there was no day I wasn’t anticipating when he was going to call. On this particular day, he didn’t call and I tried to feign that I wasn’t affected, after a while I was jittery so I picked up my phone and called him, he picked on the second ring and was sounding like he was in a hurry, he said he couldn’t talk for long that the company was in a kind of trouble and he was in a kind of fix, I told him I only wanted to call to invite him for the Lunch I promised him and I didn’t know it was a bad time. He told me he can’t do lunch tomorrow but doesn’t know if I can do dinner, I told him it won’t be a problem and if he needed me to help him with something.
The day for the dinner came and I was filled with so much anxiety, I guess you could say that I already liked Temiloluwa, he came to pick me at home. I chose the restaurant and we proceeded, throughout the dinner, we talked about what each other liked and it was time to pay, temiloluwa paid even after I told him it was my treat and my appreciation for what he did, he told me I didn’t need to appreciate him by a meal that he was only doing what any good person will do and if I wanted to appreciate him I should accompany him to an event on Saturday evening. He took me back home and we said our goodbyes. Several days passed and I didn’t hear from Temiloluwa until he called on Friday evening, he apologized for not calling all this while and that it was the issue his office was facing that kept him unavailable as he had to travel to see a client to resolve the issue and that he was back now, he reminded me of the promise to accompany him to an event tomorrow to show him appreciation for what he did, I told him I hadn’t forgotten and we would see tomorrow. The D- day came, I woke up early to go to the store to get an outfit for what I will wear to the event, after that I went for a spa treatment, then proceeded to get my hair, manicure and pedicure done before heading home to prepare for the event. I applied make up and wore the outfit I got just for that day, Temiloluwa came and told me I looked beautiful, he open the doors for me, got into the car a drove off, I wondered in my mind where he could be taking me to, it was his voice calling my name that brought me back to reality, he told me we had gotten to the venue, I looked around only to find out that he had brought me to church, I was pissed, I told him I couldn’t go with him that I was overdressed for the occasion, he told me I was dressed just fine. My second excuse relationship with God had died all those years ago when my Father deprived me of Fatherly affection and God failed to answer my prayers for my father to have a change of heart. He reminded me that I promised to grant him one request when he wanted to give me his number and that he was using the request now, I screamed that he should use the request for another thing, but he insisted, I decided to follow him but not pay attention to what was being said inside. We went in together, it was an unconventional service, it wasn’t like any of the services I had ever attended, it was a question and answer session and not all the questions were answered by the Pastor, a particular question got my attention, it was asked by a teenager and the particular answer brought tears to my eyes, the young girl asked how to deal with an uncaring family environment, especially a father who wasn’t responsible, every one gave their take and then the Pastor took the microphone to give his answer, he started by saying that the bible said “ can a mother forsake her suckling child or have no compassion on the child of her womb? Even these may forget but I will not forget you! He continued by saying many of us place to much hope on humans forgetting that they themselves get hurt, or feel pain and that its not an excuse for any parent to neglect the child but we leave the person who loves us unconditionally and focus on someone that has a reason to love us, our parents love us because we are their responsibility but we are God’s responsibility because God loves us! He told the media team to display Jeremiah 31 vs 3 which says “the Lord appeared to us in the past saying ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love: I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” The tears began to pour deeply, Temilouwa sat quietly beside me, placed my hand in his hands and squeezed it, letting me know he was there if I needed anything. The service ended and Temiloluwa asked me if I wanted to see the pastor, I told him I just wanted to go home and not see anyone. He drove me home, I invited him in for a cup of tea and he reluctantly entered, he sat on the first chair in the living room while I went to get him a cup of tea. It wasn’t long before I asked him about the scripture the pastor quoted first, he said that one was in the book of  Isaiah chapter 49 vs 15 and he opened it for me on his bible and gave me to read, I told him the scripture was a lie, he told me there can never be a lie in the Bible and so I told him God forsook me when I called on Him all those years ago and shared my story with him. I told him everything, including my wayward life, after I did so he remained quiet, I laughed wickedly knowing I had scared him away but I was shocked when he said that he already knew the major part of my life and the part he didn’t he had already guessed it, I asked how he knew and he told me the Holy spirit had told me, I laughed at him and asked him why the Holy spirit should be talking about me since there were other better people than me. Temiloluwa told me not to say that, he said Jesus at no point abandoned me, that I just let my problems get to me that I forgot patience and allowed anxiety and desperation cloud my sense and loose sight of God, that he was always with me every step of the way but I forgot how to hear God, that the bible say God will never leave us or forsake us. He told me it was high time I came back to God, I laughed at his statement telling him God doesn’t need a worthless sinner like me, he told me Christ came to give me worth and even though my sin was red as scarlet, He would make them white as snow. He began to name people who were worse than me and how Christ gave their life meaning, he started with the women accused of commiting adultery, he spoke about Mary Magdalene, he spoke about Matthew and so on by the time he was done I was crying again and asked him what I should do, he prayed with me and asked me to say some words after him which I did and then he declared me born again. I asked him just like that and he replied that I am born again by confessing Jesus as my Lord and Saviour bur I’ll need to work on making sure that I don’t go back to the way I was. He then asked how I was feeling after confessing Christ, I told him that it felt like a whole lot of weight was lifted off my shoulders. He rose to take his leave, but I made him promise to make sure to call me to give me pointers on what to do.
We continued to speak on a daily basis as I continued to grow in my spiritual journey, it was exactly six months that I had given my life to Christ. Temiloluwa invited me out again to an event and remembering the last time we went out I didn’t do any special preparations, I just wore my normal clothes with no makeup and waited for him to arrive. He arrived by the time he said he will be there to pick me and complimented me saying I looked beautiful, I rolled my eyes and smiled at the compliment, he drove on while we had a little discussion on whether I have been able to locate my father, I told him halfheartedly that I had someone check where we used to live before but I have not gone to check it out physically, he urged me to forgive my father and let go physically. I told him I had heard him. He pulled into a restaurant and announced that we have reached our destination, I was confused thinking in my head that when I dressed for an outing he took me to church and now that I dressed thinking we were going to a church program, he is taking me out. We went in and during our meal, Temiloluwa asked me to marry him, I rejected him outrightly, that I wasn’t worthy of him and he was too good for me and he replied that I was just the one for him. He then began narrating how from our first meeting God told him I was his wife and how he really fought God on the choice of a wife for him, what made it worse was when he walked into the room to meet me naked and he challenged God on why he would give him this loose woman after he had kept himself pure for his future partner. He told me that when I ran infront of his car was immediately God told him this was his wife and on that day I was reeking of alcohol and that why he was reluctant to let me enter his car. It took his mum confirming through a call that he shouldn’t fight God’s will over his life although she didn’t know what it was. I cried hearing all he was telling me, I was wondering how God had been intentional about my life, he told me there was no use rejecting him saying I was unclean as we should not call unclean what God has made clean and asked me if I remembered Peter’s vision before he went to meet Cornelius. I Cried and accepted his proposal. He told me he was the happiest man on earth and that I was going to meet his parent the next day, I was gripped by fear and he assured me that there was nothing to be afraid of.
Temiloluwa came to pick me the next day, I was dressed beautifully, when we got to his parent’s house I was welcomed warmly and I greeted them, we were having a ligh hearted discussion when I saw Chief Babakintan coming in, I  froze, began to fidget and shake, Temiloluwa noticed and I whispered that he was the man I had told him about, apparently he was his dad’s business partner. Temiloluwa assured me that all will be well, Chief Babakintan sighted me and laughed wickedly as Temi’s parents introduced me as their future daughter in law, he then turned to face me and asked me if this was the reason I ended things with him six months ago and resigned from the company, Temi’s parents were shocked when they heard this, they looked at Temiloluwa sited quietly and asked him what he knew about this, he told them he knew about it and that that was who I used to be and I am no longer the same person and narrated me story to them and how God brought us together by this time I was on my knees already as the story finished Temi’s mom came to pull me into an embrace and said I went through a lot growing up but that Jesus has given us so great a promise, that through these we may be partakers of his divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world !
Tears poured out.