Finding Grace: The Road to Renewal by Esther Zaccheaus

 

 

Story Entry for Newman Writing Contest
Theme: Partakers of His Grace (2Peter 1:4, John 14:20).
Title: Finding Grace: The Road to Renewal

Today, I woke up feeling angry and believe me, it's the right side of the bed. I'm angry that God didn't save my mom from the car accident that happened, two years ago on her way back from a mission trip to Ekiti. He just allowed her leave the world abruptly, what sort of reward is that for serving Him diligently?

I'm angry at my dad for acting like my mom didn't matter and going ahead to replace her with this evil woman he expects me to accept as my stepmom. I'm angry at my older sister, Nonye for getting married and leaving me all by myself to deal with this witch and her troublesome twin boys who are supposedly my step brothers.

I'm angry at God for allowing the boy I have a crush on, ask the head girl to be his date for our SS3 graduation party instead of me. I'm angry with God that I didn't get admitted into Obafemi Awolowo University for my course of choice; Pharmacology. I was given Biology instead.

I know it's Sunday but I really can't help it. I'm so angry with God that I don't see the point in going to church anymore. I've been faking it for a long time but now I can't hold it anymore, I'm done with God! All He ever gives me is pain, suffering and bad vibes. "I no dey do again!" I exclaimed in my mind.

Just as I finished my train of thoughts, I catch my phone vibrating on the small table next to my bed. It's Awele, my best friend, we met at Oakland High School when we were in JSS 1 and we instantly bonded.

Our friendship runs so deep that people refer to us as sisters. Our parents even had to throw us a combined party when we passed our Junior WAEC exams. We sang together in the choir at our local church. She usually sang the higher notes while I dominated the lower and mid-range notes.

I guess you could say she was a soprano singer and I was a proud alto singer. We were out music director's favorite duo, until I made the decision to withdraw from rehearsals. Kelechi, our music director had called and spoken to me severally but his words only fell on deaf ears.

I can only imagine what he'll do now that I've decided to stop attending church completely. Well, no matter what he does, my decision is final; I'm done playing these confusing games with God and church. They're all fables!

"Ezinne! Ezinne, can you hear me?" Awele resounded on the other end of the call. I had picked up her call, but as soon as I did, my mind trailed off again.

"Ezinne, it's 10am and you're not in church. What's going on? Did you oversleep again? You know you could have called me yesterday to come over to your house, so we'll both arrive in church early, right?"

I listened as she kept talking with my mind made up. As soon as she was done speaking, I responded with a harsh tone that suggested my decision was final. "Awele, I'm not coming to church anymore, I don't see the point so I'm no longer interested." I ended the call immediately so she doesn't get any room to try persuading me to change my mind. I wasn't in the mood to hear it.

I sat by my bedside feeling unsure about my next step going forward and my mind was blank. I went into my dad's study and picked up a book to read. I love reading so much. If there's anything that could take my mind off any confusion or uncertainty, it's burying my head in books and disappearing into the author's reality.

Something odd caught my attention as I stepped into my dad's study; a book on the shelf that I had never seen before. I looked closely and the title read "God I'm Really Angry With You". I was stunned so I picked it up and probed further, fixing my eyes on the author name —Cheryl Cooper.

I'd never heard of her but the book title was too interesting to look away. I turned the book over to get a glimpse of its content.

Have you ever been angry with God? Have you ever been so hurt that life didn’t matter anymore and all you could do is ask "Why Me God?" Is the pain of moving forward too much? Have you ever thought to yourself why a God that is all-powerful will allow evil to happen to those that love and serve Him?" Author Cheryl Cooper has been there. She lost everything; her job, her faith and her once happy home. She was forced to question God, speaking to Him filled with hurt, shame, and anger. This book was written to everyone out there who feels this way, as a source of healing and with a hope, that you find your peace and wholeness again.

My chest tightened as I answered YES to every question on the list. I felt seen, like it wasn't just me experiencing the negative side of life and questioning God for it. I felt a wave of stillness wash over me and I sat on the floor beside the bookshelf and started reading through the entire 178-pages of the book.

A few hours later, I heard my dad's voice echoing my name. We had an argument earlier when I told him I wasn't going to church with them that morning.

My dad and his family were back from church and he went into my room to check on me but I wasn't there so he decided to check his study. It was common culture for me to be in my dad's study as I enjoyed reading books from his library.

My dad walked into his study and met with an unusual sight. He saw his last daughter, curled up in a corner beside the bookshelf, her eyes bloodshot red and her light blue top wet with tears. I had cried myself a river, reading that book.

"Ezinne, what's going on?" Daddy asked, genuinely concerned. I could make out the look of sincere concern on his face but I couldn't bring myself to utter a word.

"Adannaya, please talk to me, you don't look good at all. Is this about your sister getting married and leaving you alone?" Adannaya was a term of endearment my father used to get me to open up but it didn't seem to be working this time. There wasn't a word in response to him.

The only form of communication I could make at that moment was to shake my head, so I shook my head from side to side, letting him know it wasn't what he said. He lifted me from my gloomy corner and led me to the bathroom where he rinsed my face and dabbed it dry with his handkerchief.

He then gave me some water to drink and asked me to sit on a chair in his study. He sat across me and held my hands gently. "Adannaya, my pride, talk to me, what's going on with you?"

A wave of relief washed over me and I felt like opening my mouth to speak was something I could do again so I started talking. I shared with him how I spoke with Awele about my decision to stop going to church because of I thought God was being unkind to me. His face expressed his shock at the “God-part" but he allowed me continue talking without interruption.

"I picked up a book from your study this morning after my call with Awele and the moment I started reading the book, I felt like a grumpy child who longed for care and attention. The author narrated her personal story and it pierced deeply through my heart."

"It was as though her story mirrored mine but in different circumstances. I could feel my pain in hers and for the first time in my life, since mom left us, I let my guards down."

"I allowed myself to feel other emotions asides anger. I realized how deeply hurt I felt, too hurt to allow myself feel. I was drowning in my own emotions without even knowing. Then sister Nonye got married and left the house—that opened up another deep wound in my soul. I know she had to get married but it felt like losing mom all over again."

"I channeled my anger and bitterness towards my stepmom and avoided her like a plague. I didn't even give her a chance, and I didn't let myself love your only sons. I didn't know how else to act. I was grieving so hard and I let it overwhelm me completely. Dad, I'm deeply sorry."

My dad's eyes were already teary but I continued speaking.

Reading that book made me realize how wrong I've been for acting like this all the while. The author wrote about how she encountered the love of Jesus and I'm convinced I encountered that divine love too. Now, I'm ready for a fresh start.

Towards the final chapter of the book, the author explained how she fought her way through the pain to a place of forgiveness and grace. It made me realize that there's a weight I had been carrying since mom left and honestly, I'm tired of carrying that weight.

There was a short prayer at the end that pointed my heart to a pure form of love that goes beyond our circumstances, but rather to the One who loves us more than we know.

I said the short prayer with all my heart and that was when it happened. I started feeling heat on my palms, but the entire room felt cold. I felt a gentle grasp around my left hand and the warmest hug I've ever received in my life followed.

In that moment, I felt all the anger, sadness, fear, bitterness and anxiety dissolve like fairy dust thrown into the air. I heard a soft but firm voice say to me: "You have been bought with a price and you cannot fall back into darkness. I have loved you since the very beginning and I'm never going to stop loving you. I know you're hurting but My grace is sufficient for you to live above the pain. I've imparted you with my divine presence, your heart is wholesome and your burdens are lifted."

"That was when river in my eyes welled up. I couldn't respond with my words but my heart spoke a thousand words per minute. I can't explain it but I knew it was Him and I instantly withdrew my decision to forego church and abandon God."

"I will never forget the words He spoke to me. How can I? They instantly restored life into my soul and gave me a reason to be genuinely happy again."

"Adannaya, you saw Jesus!" My dad spoke for the first time since I started talking.

"Well, technically, I didn't exactly see..." I tried to explain but his excitement cut me short.

"Adannaya, you encountered Jesus, the very image of God...wow! I'm so happy my darling." My dad's face beamed with excitement as he jumped out of his seat and pulled me into a hug so tight, I had to fight for my lungs to see the light of day and get a whiff of fresh air.

After doing his church dance of left-right and front-back movements to express his joy, he held my hands and prayed for healing and wholeness for me. He also apologized for not paying as much attention to my feelings as he ought to but I didn't think his apology was necessary because he truly does the best he can.

He ushered me to go freshen up and come downstairs to have a special Sunday afternoon meal. I had my bath and went downstairs for the special lunch. My stepmom was shook to her bones when I greeted her with a smile. Honestly, it felt new to me as well—greeting her without rolling my eyes or passing a sarcastic comment. It felt good to be able to do that.

After lunch, I picked up my phone and called Awele. I needed to apologize for how I sounded on the call this morning and I wanted her to go with me to our music director in church for a proper apology.

Weeks passed and I became different from grumpy Ezinne; I had become a new person indeed. I intentionally initiated conversations with my stepmom and helped her more often around the house.

I acted more like a sister to my twin brothers, I prepared them for school, and helped with their homework. I also played silly games with them and relived some of my childhood memories. It was really fun.

I visited my sister and her husband once in a while and spent quality time with them as well. I also re-applied to take the admissions exam (JAMB). I knew I had to do better this time so I attended a tutoring center, read like my life depended on it and trusted God for the best result. Results were out and I scored 352 out of 400. I took my post UTME exam with confidence and great faith, and surrendered it all to God in prayer.

"Whatever course I'm given, I'll make it work, with God on my side." I said to myself as I stared at the admissions portal, trying to convince myself that I completely believed what I just said.

After clicking refresh on my dashboard for what felt like the hundredth time this hour, I saw...We are pleased to inform you that you have been offered Provisional Admission into the Bachelor of Pharmacy (B.Pharm.) in Pharmacology program for the 2025/2026 academic session at Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife.

I screamed in utter excitement and ran downstairs to show my dad and stepmom and they joined me in celebration.  

The anger had faded, replaced by a peace that could only come from partaking in His divine nature, a gift I was freely given. Through His grace, I discovered that I was not defined by my pain, but by His love, a love that reshaped me into His image.

From anger to acceptance, from bitterness to blessings, I learned that His grace was not a reward for perfection, but a promise for every broken heart willing to receive it. I am and forever will be, a partaker of His grace.