Christian Stories: How do I forgive this?

I never thought I would be a victim. I never thought i would get to a point where the sole message i was preaching to many people for years would end up at my doorstep, waiting for me to either take the bull by the horn and do what i had always preached or simply turn my back and neglect how i had talked to others to do that which i would not do right now.

I never thought it would land at my doorstep.

Everything started five years ago but i will not bore you with the details of events that happened. I will tell you what happened last month.

Yes, 16th of December, 2023. Barely four weeks ago. 

I got a call from my cousin - the favorite one of the many cousins God blessed me with. She was getting married and I was to be her stylist. Of course, I had styled her hair since we were teenagers so styling her for the wedding didn't come as a surprise.

I got a little something for her and went to her place on the 11th of December to help put finishing touches to the event. Despite helping out in the best way i could, we still had time to have a little girls section. We went to the spa and had a nice time doing clothes shopping. We also sang and prayed together. I gave her some prophecies which she actually confirmed. In summary, everything was good.

All the while, I never saw the groom or even saw his picture. It wasn't as if his picture was not made available but the activities i was involved in didn't spare me a minute to even look at the picture or video. I was clueless. 

Even when relatives tried to point hands and raise eyes at me for "delaying" marriage, I still had a good time with my cousin. I could see their scorns admist their "good advise on why it's necessary for me to get married fast". I could smell their sneers through their congratulatory messages to my cousin. They would never understand. They were evident but even admist all these, I still found joy in helping my cousin. We were happy. 

On the 16th of December, which was the wedding day, we got prepared for church after snatching her away from her parents who kept raining prayers on her. Her make-up was almost smeared with tears but we took control of it. They were happy. My cousin was happy. It wasn't just her big day, it was our big day.

It was a big church, big enough to accommodate every soul on Earth if a flood was to happen in that minute. My cousin in all her gracefulness held her bouquet delicately and walked side by side with her father into the church. My journey ended right there at the entrance. I wasn't part of the bridal train so, i sat few pews away from the couple.

That was when i saw him.

I saw him.

The man behind my nightmares for five years. The man behind everything that happened five years ago. He was right there at the altar waiting for his bride?

My stomach churned in disgust when i discovered he was actually the groom. How could he? What effrontery! My breath hitched and i blotted outside, almost colliding with a protocol officer who was only discharging her duties. 

My tears broke forth before i could stop myself. It smeared my make up and I didn't try to stop them as they flow ungraciously down my face. My hands trembled and it wasn't the cool weather. It wasn't even the jittery of knowing i wouldn't be getting married soon. It was the fear of seeing him again. The fear of five years no one knew about. 

My cousin followed me the moment i ran out of the church. She didn't need to look around or ask around before she knew where I would be. She found me at the fountain. The fountain where I had made a decision that changed my life five years ago.

"What happened? Did you see something or did you see something? Why would you run out of the church like that?"

I tried to find my voice but couldn't. The shock of the event was still strong in my heart. Every attempt to say something ended up with me releasing fresh bays of water. My cousin looked perplexed. It wasn't making sense.

How would i tell her the man she just walked to minutes ago to be hitched to was the same man who forced himself on me five years ago in the university?

How would I tell her the same man kept appearing in my dreams every night, making the incident so fresh in my mind? How would I tell her getting raped in school destabilized me but what destabilized me more was the fact that i became pregnant through the unfortunate incident?

Or how do i tell her that discovering that i was carrying the seed of a man i never knew pushed me to get an abortion which eventually cost me my womb?

How do i tell her the main reason I had been delaying marriage was because of the trauma and because i didn't want to put any man in a cage of a barren marriage, which was caused by the man she would be getting married to?

Ahhhh!

Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I believe in God. Infact, it took me two years before i could bring myself to forgive him. I thought i had forgiven him but seeing him minutes ago at the altar waiting for my cousin made me realize that i never forgave him and never would.

Would it be selfish if i should say i find it difficult to forgive or forget everything that happened?

Do i simply forgive him the same way i preach to people to forgive others of their wrongs or what?

What do i do? Help me!!!!!. I feel cheated, hurt and empty. Why would he be getting married while i can't scale through the trauma he made me experience? 

What do I do?