I feel cheated.

I feel disappointed.

I was not supposed to quiver when we were having this conversation but I couldn't help it. I started quivering and my lips started moving in quick succession even though no words were heard.

I know the sign. I know what it meant. I have experienced it before but experiencing it again after three years of staying far away and locking up every desire is not fair to me. I feel cheated, not after I decided to unlock and allow fresh scent of a man in my life.

The food became flaccid in my mouth. It was like my taste buds went on a long vacation without a prior notification. I just couldn't taste anything. My feet wobbled and thanks to the fact that I was sitting, I would have fallen right on my face. My bre

ath hitched and I could feel the suffocating air all around me. 

I just wasn't comfortable. His presence became torture to me. His pretty, full eyebrows which had been my soft spot looked like jagged rocks to me. Not even his sweet perfume that I could sniff on my seat was appealing to my soul or his very beautiful smile that he kept giving me every time I raise my head to meet his eyes. 

Nothing was working. 

He seemed to notice the discomfort because he asked me what was wrong more than thrice and for every time he asked the question, I gave him a fake smile telling him I was fine even though obviously, I wasn't fine. 

He tried to do small talks about the food and my dress but my mind wasn't buying it. I almost choked on my food when he placed his hand on mine asking what was wrong again. It took efforts for me not to burst into tears.

Why??????? Why??????? 

I excused myself from the table and rushed to the restroom which I knew was the place I could finally unburden my heart and eyes. I just wanted to ask questions and cry. 

"Father, why?? Why? I like him. I like this one. I like his kindness. I like the way he likes you. I like his sincerity. Why? Why?"

I sniffled and I could swear I felt my ears opened. 

"He's not the one."

That was His voice. The voice my ears opened to. Hearing Him was supposed to put peace to my soul but instead, my heart burned in anger and frustration. It was too much for me.

"But why? He's perfect. I locked up my emotions three years ago and I put the key in your hands. I told you I would not fall in love with any man except the one you give to me. Father, I have been faithful in locking up. Why do I have to suffer right now that I unlock my emotions? Why can't I have him?"

"He's not perfect. You locked up and gave the key to me but did you ask me for the key to unlock it later? He's not the one."

"But I love him."

"I do too but he's not the one."

I rested my head on the wall. I told you earlier that the discomfort I was having earlier was familiar. It was His way of telling me to quit it. How do I quit something my heart already agreed to? How? Am I really hearing God? Am I really sane or it's my mind playing tricks on me because of my past experiences? 

My tears fell. I couldn't bear it anymore. My voice that was raised earlier became calm and low. I was tired. 

"When? If he's not the one, then when?"

"When the time is right, I, the Lord will make it happen and you will get your sign."

I sniffled and choked on my tears. This was the same promise He gave me four years ago when I left the last relationship. Now, He was repeating the same thing. 

"I will make it happen." 

I exhaled deeply and and looked in the mirror. I felt the assurance. I felt the words and I could feel His smile because He knew what I was going to do next. 

I looked at the door and exhaled deeply. It was time to call it quit.

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