Silence by Funmilayo Jayne Tonade

It has been two years since I gave my life to Jesus Christ and absolutely nothing has changed. It was during the heat of the pandemic that occurred five years ago so during an online service when the man of God after preaching a heavy sermon gave the altar call I reluctantly raised my hand, my life needed a change and if Jesus is as powerful as he said then I was ready to give him a chance.

My bad character became even worse and it seemed as if Jesus scammed me. I would attend church services joined a service unit, pray,  read my bible intermittently even went for baptism and yet there was this void inside of me that could not be filled. We were ready to receive the new converts and after that our unit pastor addressed us briefly then concluding the meeting with a prayer, raising his baritone voice as he spoke without a microphone he said

“Speak in the Holy Ghost” and they all started speaking in tongues while my lips remained shut. I had not  started speaking in tongues and it was not a big deal. I had the Holy Spirit living inside of me so it was not compulsory to speak in tongues.

After church as I walked back home aggression started building inside me and no explanation could be given but on the other hand was it the loss of job or challenges my family was facing that was not conquered.  Mum was a deaconess in church and they had series of meetings so she would be back home later and it was my turn to take over the kitchen. My brother did not attend church today according to him, he did not feel like who can blame him? All the church we have been attending what difference has it made? Has our lives changed?

Tossing my apron I carefully sliced my onions while listening to a sermon by apostle Joshua Selman at least that would counter any negative thoughts when my brother walked in his facial features changing to that of a mad man

“You took my perfume!” He said angrily
“What?” I had to pretend that I did not hear him
“You heard me” He said
I reduced the volume wiping my hands on my apron then acted as if something dropped by lowering myself and when I was back up he was hit with a slap!

“You slapped me?” He said angrily
“and I will slap you again!” I replied full of rage
“You came here to accuse me of taking your perfume”
“You’re an idiot! The world would have been better without you, you’re a waste of space!” I said spitefully
“See this born again christian” He said mockingly
“Everyday you go to church, mid week service, night vigil nothing to show for it” He said holding his face
“Whatever” I said blocking my ears
“Christian witch” that was it.
“What did you call me?” I asked angrily and then pounced on him trying to beat him but he kept blocking with his hands
“What on earth is going on here?” We both looked up at the same time lo and behold it was mum in her navy blue attire
“She’s a christian witch!” My brother said
“I will kill your son” I replied panting
“You will do no such thing” Mum said seriously dropping her handbag on the counter
“Neither will you utter such language in this house am I understood?” Mum asked while I nodded.
“Witch!” My brother said
“Ade that is enough!” Mum yelled
“Mummy she slapped me!” He whined
“Go to your room” She ordered and he did.
“tiwalade you need to learn how to control your anger” Mum said softly
“Mummy can you imagine this stupid boy accusing me of taking his perfume”
“Watch your language!” She warned
“Sorry”
“We will talk about this later, let me go freshen up” She said looking tired and headed to her room. I made a huge pot of jollof rice and chicken wings while we all ate in silence ade was not talking to me and neither was I.

About a month ago I lost my job after been jobless for two years I knew it was not the will of God for my life and after waiting without any result desperation made me an easy prey. My so called friend who was a member of Jehovah Witness kept on sending me various links to apply for a job and after applying none seemed to be forthcoming luckily she was able to get an interview in her place of work and that was how the journey began. I was the best at my place of my work she became threatened by my work, set me up with my words and that was how I got sacked back to square one all over again.

The bible says that if any man is in Christ he is a new creature there’s nothing new about my life so I decided to go on a fast to seek his face and if I don’t get any result I will honestly take my life back from Jesus.

I fasted for a day cried out to Jesus asking questions and expecting answers but still nothing. The following day a longtime friend of mine called
“David?” I said in shock
“Tiwalade it’s been a while” He said excitedly and then we exchanged greetings
“How may I help you?” I asked
“The question should be how may I be of help to you?” He said. I was confused.
“The Holy Spirit kept on bringing your picture to my mind when I was praying last night” Oh My God! I could not believe it. Jesus cares for me. He really sees me.

“What’s going on?” He asked sincerely and then I poured out my heart to him. He asked me to get my bible and started talking to me about the Holy Spirit and when he was done I craved to speak in tongues.

“Put your hands on your belly as instructed by the Holy Spirit” and I did as the scriptures would say out of your belly shall flow rivers of living water I started blasting in tongues. David further instructed me according to the leading of the Spirit to pray for thirty minutes morning and midnight and from henceforth we started having bible study.

A few weeks later during a particular bible study david spoke about partakers of God’s grace
“Explain” I said
“We’re all partakers of God’s grace one way or the other.”
“I don’t understand” I said
“Those who partake of grace also give out grace like in the area of forgiveness are you quick to receive God’s forgiveness and not extend it to your fellow brother or sister?”

“That makes sense” I said understanding settling in my heart.
“Open your bible to the book of Ephesians chapter 2 vs 8 what does it say?”
“For by grace are ye saved through faith and that not of yourselves it is the gift of God” I read aloud
“We are saved by grace, he has also equipped us with grace”
“It’s hard to extend grace ” I said
“That’s why the Holy Spirit is here to help, he is also called the helper. Ask him to help you extend grace to people that are challenging.”

\A few months passed and my spiritual life took a turn for the better while the holy spirit is working on me till I behave like Jesus.

We are all work in progress.
Funmilayo Jayne Tonade.