How to Manage Quarrels, Disagreement and Arguments as a Believer

In my first year at the University,  I met Sister Grace who was also in her first year. A very jovial and sweet personality. She had a beautiful smile but don’t get on this sister’s bad side. She’d give you a piece of her mind, caring not who you are. She spewed words that shouldn’t be heard from a “born-again Christian.” I knew this sister too well because we came from home together. She's used to being insulted at home because she had a fight with her mum about her choice of career and refused to follow her mother’s wish because she had a passion, and she knew what she wanted.

Sis Grace is very lovable. Always quiet at first. The moment she gets comfortable with you, you’re in trouble in that you’ll literally have to beg her to stop talking. People talked and complained but she didn’t notice she had this stain of insult in her character. She doesn’t use the words “you’re stupid, mad,” or those kinds of words. However, the way she’d speak, you wouldn’t need a soothsayer to tell you she just trying to tell you that you probably don’t have sense. Her voice is usually very loud, so you happen to not be the only person to hear her hurling those words to you. Others around you get to hear it as well.

When we were getting to the close of 100 level, people started to notice changes in sister Grace. Her stain of insults was gradually washing away. She was becoming calmer and smiled more than she did before. There are some changes in behavior that people notice and wouldn’t say anything about it because they don’t believe it yet. Sis Grace’s case was different. A lot of people commented on her change in behavior. She was also happy with herself. We had a talk and I understood what happened to her. 

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She really never had the intention to hurt anyone with her words. I did forget to add that she is very good with sarcastic replies. Which often sounds like an insult. Now that she was changed, she used her gift of sarcastic replies to joke and make people laugh, instead of insult them. Or she just laughs and walks away. Fine, sister Grace got clad with the clothes of insults from home, but she later had to put off the dress. She didn’t let her anger control her, because in a split second, she could switch from smiling to hitting you with harsh words.

She told me that when people had too much to complain about her than they had to compliment her, she went to God in prayer and asked for a change. It so happened even she herself was shocked at the turnaround. She didn’t just pray. There are other instructions she had to follow and some scriptures that helped her. The day her deliverance started was when someone used her water in the hostel and she got mad because she fetched the water at midnight. She was prepared to fight the person, but as the Holy Spirit would have it, she remembered she had a mentor whom she called up that night, and he gave her this scripture;

Ephesians 4:26

“And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,” (NLT)

It is inevitable that you’ll get angry as a believer. As a matter of fact, some would even intentionally get on your last nerve just to see what you’d do. Before you get to sister Grace’s last nerve, she’d make sure she gets back at you with her words. It can be safe to say she is always prepared for whether or not you’ll step on her toes. Regardless of whether we have people like sister Grace or not, you as a person should do well to guard and guide your heart. Now, it takes a very long time, I mean a very long time for you to get to sister Grace’s first nerve; talk more of her last nerve. Even if you’re close to her, she makes sure your words doesn’t get to her. She had made sure to guard her heart to the extent that she knows only God’s words defines her, and not man’s words.

People will annoy you and offend you. People will start up quarrels and arguments with you. It is now in your place to remember this scripture;

Ephesians 4:26-32

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

[30]And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.

[31]Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (KJV)

Why do you think Paul first said, “be ye angry, and sin not?” He already knew there was no way offenses won’t come. Letting those offenses stay is giving place to the devil in your life and midst (vs 27). He also went ahead to say in verse 31, that “let all bitterness, …, anger…” be put away from you. Which means, you can actually make a choice not to get angry. You can choose not to let words of even fellow believers get to you. All believers are not broken yet, as God would want it. But you can help them and yourself, by not reacting to everything they bring your way. Take time to read and reread and meditate on the above scripture. Don’t let quarrels go away without you settling it, whether or not you’re right. There are cases of the Holy Spirit urging a believer to go ahead and apologize first to someone who clearly offended you, and through that, God has changed a lot of people. There’s also a scripture in Matthew that we all chorus during service or during our quiet time, but there’s a probability you have not let the scripture sink deep into you…

Matthew 6:12

“And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” (KJV)

Dear reader, no one has offended you more than they’ve offended God. God still always forgives. It’s His nature. You’re of God, it should also be your nature to forgive ahead of time. Nothing is too big for you to forgive. Sis Grace told me there are things she found too difficult to forgive people for because of the kind of hurt it came with, but by prayer, she was able to forgive. Even forgetting is possible. All you have to do is let go of your hurt and let God know your stance and understand that you’re ready to forgive whoever offended you. Letting the person know you’ve forgiven them even before they find the initiative to ask for forgiveness is a good start. However dear reader, you cannot achieve all of these without the person of the Holy Spirit.

I’ll leave you with this last scripture;

Proverbs 15:1

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (KJV)

Even when someone is trying to get on that last nerve, you can change the narrative. You can choose to be the peacemaker when someone is trying to bring trouble. Only someone whose heart is seared with iron will be spoken to softly and wouldn’t back down from trouble.

 

 

Words are like delicate eggs, once spoken, they cannot be taken back. Despite their delicacy, words hold significant power. As individuals, it is crucial to carefully consider our words before expressing them, particularly in moments of anger, disagreement, quarrels or argument.

Disagreements are inevitable among hymans - believers inclusive; However, it's vital to know how to manage them. Our manner of speaking, particularly when we're enraged, dictates whether the disagreement will be resolved.
While anger may fade and disagreements may resolve, the words uttered and written remain unforgettable. These words can inflict deeper wounds than the disagreement itself.

What renders reconciliation challenging are the words exchanged during the disagreement. These words unveil one's true feelings; they expose your inner thoughts about the person you disagree with. And this is what makes reconciliation difficult.

When faced with disagreement, follow these steps:

1. Refrain from speaking 

Learn to refrain from speaking when you're angry. This is because, many times, anger prompts saying things you wouldn't normally say, leading to spiteful remarks, derogatory language, and irrational statements. The book of Proverbs offers wisdom on this matter in Proverbs 13:3 (NLT) saying: "those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything."

Being born-again Christian might not prevent you from uttering inappropriate words. Yet, when you make an effort to restrain your tongue, even in moments when you have something to say, it aids in managing and suppressing your anger. Once your anger is subdued, you may realize that there's no longer a need to speak out. What triggered your anger may no longer seem significant. You come to this realization because you've successfully tamed your tongue.

Another strategy is to remove yourself from the location of the argument or disagreement. If you don't trust the words you're about to utter, it's wise to steer clear of the scene of disagreement until you no longer feel infuriated by the discussion.

2. Exercise Restraint

Often, you may have numerous insights to share, and your observations might be spot-on. However, it's important to consider the perspectives of those you're engaging with; neglecting this might result in disagreement.

When it becomes evident that the individuals you're addressing are not attentive to your words, it's wise to heed the advice of the book of Proverbs: "Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get an insult in return. Anyone who corrects the wicked will get hurt. So don't bother correcting the mockers; they will hate you. But correct the wise, and they will love you." Proverbs 9:7-8. (NLT)

Avoid adding unnecessary stress by attempting to prove a point. Not everyone appreciates hearing the truth. To suppress a growing disagreement, withhold your thoughts or observations. Embrace brevity and be someone who speaks sparingly.

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3. Control your temper

Pastor Pauline Joyce Meyer once said, "Anger is not sin—it is what you do with it that becomes sin."
The Bible advises, "When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury, or your indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no such room or foothold for the devil; give no opportunity to him." Ephesians 4:26–27 (AMPC)

When we experience certain emotions, we have the choice not to act on them if they contradict the Word of God. It's vital to recognize the warning signs and put a stop to them before they escalate. Pray for the spirit of self-control, which is a fruit of the spirit that enables in self-regulation.

Pray for strength and grace to release hurt and disappointment.  Work on aligning every thought with obedience to Christ. See 2 Corinthians 10:5.