You by Philip Daniel

 

You feel a deep sense of guilt as the words from the young preacher pierce through your heart that Sunday morning. The previous day, Saturday, was Valentine’s Day, and you had spent a sinful weekend with your boyfriend, Sam.

Of course, you went to choir rehearsal, fulfilling the excuse you gave Grandma, but you left before it even started, armed with a well-crafted lie.
"Are you fine, Tomisin?" The music director, Brother Jerome, walks over to you, noticing your squeezed face and how you've been holding your stomach since arriving at the church.
"Yes, I am," you answer in a low voice, shifting on the edge of the bench to make space for him to sit.
You know Brother Jerome won’t let it go that easily. He has known you since childhood, back in the children's church, and he knows you're never this quiet or reserved unless something is wrong.
"Tomisin, what’s up?" he asks again.
Like a thief spotting an open window, you recognize the perfect opportunity to deliver your well-rehearsed excuse.
"I'm having menstrual pain," you whisper, adding a little groan for effect.
"My God, I'm sorry about that," he replies, concern etched on his face. "Is it very bad?"
"Quite," you say, groaning again.
"This isn’t ‘quite,’" he says sympathetically, continuing to comfort you. Meanwhile, in your mind, you count down the moments until he makes the inevitable suggestion.
"Sister Tomisin, I think you should go home."
Yes! That was it! You pretend to hesitate at first, acting like you can manage, but you know gentle Brother Jerome won’t take no for an answer.
So, you leave the church, even pocketing ₦500 for transport from Brother Jerome after he notices how ‘painfully’ you walk. My God! You are such a drama queen.
Initially, you think about using the money to buy some snacks for your baby cousin, but then Sam calls.
"Babe, can you get some Golden Circle condoms? I only have one left," he asks.
And that sounds… beautiful.
You buy the condoms and head to his house to celebrate Valentine’s Day, moaning and squirming as he defiles you while your peers chant “Holy, holy” to God in church.
Sam has the best of your body. He begs you to spend the night, but you know there’s no lie clever enough to save you from Grandma’s wrath if you stay out. So, you leave, returning home at exactly the time you would have if you had attended rehearsal.
THE PREACHER'S WORDS HIT HARD
The next day, the guest minister seems to have peered into your secret weekend. There she stands, delving into the topic of the youth service: "Partakers of His Grace."
You have never met her. She has never met you. All you know is her name—Naomi Olajide—from the flyer, where she looked stunning. In person, she is 5 feet tall and a bit chubbier than she appeared on the flyer.
But when she speaks, it feels like she knows you.
Then, mid-sermon, she calls for an illustration.
"Please, the tall dark lady in the red gown, come out."
Your heart stops.
Slowly, you rise and walk to the front. You stand beside her, unsure of what she wants to say.
"See this beautiful lady here," she begins. "Two things stand out about her. One, no one here truly knows her—no matter how close they are. She has an exterior of modesty, which some might interpret as righteousness, or, as your generation calls it, ‘Mummy G.O.’ But in reality, only she can answer the question of who she really is—righteous or not, holy or not, wayward or godly. No one knows. Only her… and God."
Although you smile, your heart beats wildly.
"Could she have seen me somewhere?"
You try to recall if you’ve ever met her before, even going as far as picturing the pharmacist who sold you the condoms.
Nothing adds up.
She continues.
"Now, this lady is wearing a red gown, which is the second reason I chose her…"
For a moment, relief washes over you. But she still has your full attention.
"The red gown represents what many of you are wearing spiritually—a filthy garment of secret sins. Sins no one knows about. Sins you cannot share in public. I know some of you listening to me today don’t want to continue in sin. You are tired of masturbation, pornography, fornication, but you don’t know how to stop. You have tried different methods, but they keep failing. I bring you good news."
Minister Naomi takes a deep breath and excuses you, asking the church to give you a round of applause.
But none of that matters.
Her words carry weight.
And for the first time in a long while, you feel something stir within you.

THE MEMORIES OF YOUR PAST
You rededicated your life to Christ a year ago, shortly after graduating from secondary school. Grandma had dragged you to a crusade, led by a preacher she religiously followed on the radio.
That night, the preacher spoke on "Becoming a Son of God," emphasizing John 1:12:
"But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name."
Your heart filled with questions.
"How do I receive Him? Can He even accept me?"
Memories of your past rushed in—especially the ones with Master Kolapo, your CRS teacher, who deflowered you in SS1 with promises of marriage.
You had been thrilled to be the chosen one among the girls who crushed on him. You willingly visited his house, offering your body to him—until the day you decided to surprise him and got the shock of your life.
You heard Funmilayo, your classmate, say:
"You claim to love me, yet you share my rights with Tomisin."
From behind the door, you froze.
"No, na. That one is just cruise. She keeps begging me to have sex with her, and I just thought to help. Nothing serious."
A dagger pierced your heart.
Tears welled in your eyes as you listened further.
"But it’s not fair. A lot of guys want me, but I stay faithful to you, yet you keep cheating."
"Okay, I promise, ehn. I promise you, ehn. Let’s do this thing."
You didn’t need to hear more.
Your "together forever" promise with a 26-year-old man was a joke.
You thought about barging in and creating a dramatic scene like in Nollywood movies. But that would only cause a scandal. And if Grandma heard… you were dead.
That heartbreak made you swear never to fall in love again.
Until Timothy came along.The rich, fine boy from SS2.And then, you fell again.

THE TURNING POINT
That night at the crusade, the preacher’s words struck deep.
He read Isaiah 1:18:
"Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
And then John 6:37:
"All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.
The invitation was clear.
And for the first time, you believed Christ could wash you clean.
You stepped forwardYou surrendered.And you felt peace.

A NEW STRUGGLE
But the joy of salvation didn’t last long.
Soon, you missed your old life.
You started listening to hip-hop again.
Then came the romance novels.Then the loneliness.Then the secret sins.Until, one day, you gave in again.Sam.A picture-perfect boyfriendAnd another downward spiral.

THE FINAL REDEMPTION
But that Sunday, Minister Naomi’s words gave you a new revelation.Holiness isn’t achieved by willpower.Holiness is by grace.Through fellowship with the Holy Spirit.Prayer.StudymObedience.And slowly… you begin to walk in victory.Today, people doubt you were once trapped in sin.But you know the truth.You are simply a partaker of His grace.